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At last my failure is complete…

Check it, you won’t regret it.

THEN the completely random 80s hair metal dude with the leather jacket and mesh shirt shows up reeking of booze to tell the kid: “You and me, let’s kill some people.” And they do. Oh, but they do. My favorite Weapon of Pet Destruction? The bag of angry cats. Marc Singer can only dream of material that good…

Devil horns flying high, Beastmaster Jr.!

Superhero Decadence. What a sadly necessary phrase to add to our lexicon. As someone who’s written the kid-friendly animated Batman comics and has designs on writing a fairly adult in its themes and presentation superhero project down the line, I certainly believe there’s room for any and all interpretations of the characters. They contain multitudes, as do we all.

The problem is in making the “adult” version the dominant version and on insisting that your ongoing adventure serials reflect that darkened world view. The current crop of creators on “Amazing Spider-Man” have been doing some of the most light-hearted and entertaining takes on Spider-Man in years. Only here’s the problem — eventually fans will demand drama. The villain is going to have to truly “hurt” the hero. Spider-Man will win the end as he always does, but we all know the bad guy will come back. They always do (Marvel has action figures and licensing deals to think of, after all). Only next time, the villain will have to raise the stakes or else why bring him back?

In contemporary mainstream comics, the heroes ALWAYS lose… even when they win. When the villain comes back, someone has to die (and then the next character to die has to get eaten by the Blob on panel), or get raped (but we don’t show the actual penetration, so it’s still tasteful). And that’s just the villains. The heroes fare little better.

It’s as if every episode of “Law & Order” ended with the convicted defendant vowing vengeance on Jack McCoy — and then next episode he breaks out of prison, murders McCoy’s beloved niece and then stuffs her dismembered corpse into, say, a refrigerator. Does anyone think that would actually make “Law & Order” more realistic? More relevant or interesting or adult? It certainly wouldn’t make it more popular.

I guess my problem comes down to the fact that most so-called “adult” takes on superheroes are adult in the same way that a late night movie on Cinemax is “adult.” They have pretensions to sophistication and sneer at the “kid’s stuff” while reveling in their gratuitous sex, violence and “shocking” subject matter. That’s not adult, that’s juvenile.

And Superman, Batman, Spidey… they deserve better than that.

Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO!

Truth time: I kind of dig Vanilla Ice. Sure, the dude may have stole the baseline for his biggest hit from Queen, starred in one of the most egregiously bad movies of the 90s and the less said about his “hardcore” rock/rap phase the better, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t stop, collaborate and listen anytime I hear “Ice, Ice Baby.” You know all the words, too — don’t deny it.

And, of course, Mr. Rob Van Winkle also gave the world the “Ninja Rap” from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze. That was a watershed musical moment for young Josh Elder, and I’ve spent the better part of two decades crafting my response: “Ninjaz ‘N the Hood” off the Straight Outta Cherry Creek LP. Prepare for Awesomeness! And also sympathetic embarrassment as I once more make a complete fool of myself in a public forum.

Yo gather round and I’ll tell you a story.
It’s got heroes, villains, honor and glory.
It’s ‘bout this ninja from Clan Yoshida…
Cuts through evil like warm Velveeta.
Silent and deadly, like a thief in the night.
Clothed in darkness, he fights for the light.
Old school ninja, he’s a man of action –
Hit you so hard he’ll put your mom in traction.

Mail Order Ninja!
He’s the man in black.
Mail Order Ninja!
Teamed up with T-Mac.
Mail Order Ninja!
Is on the attack.
Mail Order Ninja!
You best watch yo’ back.

Won in a contest, arrived in a crate,
Started kickin’ butt right out the gate.
Took the bullies down a notch or two,
Overthrew the rich girl who ran the school.
But the rich girl swore to bring Jiro down.
Got herself a ninja then took over the town.
The ultimate battle ‘tween two shinobi –
More hardcore than Vader versus Kenobi!

Mail Order Ninja!
He’s the man in black.
Mail Order Ninja!
Teamed up with T-Mac.
Mail Order Ninja!
Is on the attack.
Mail Order Ninja!
You best watch yo’ back.

A dark shadow fell ‘cross the land.
Felicity’s triumph was close at hand.
But the good guys won, and I’ll tell ya why:
Heroes like Jiro, they never say die.

Mail Order Ninja!
Yeah, it’s all good.
Mail Order Ninja!
‘Cause we got Ninjaz ‘N the Hood!

SPECIAL BONUS TRACK!!!

And if your eyeballs haven’t melted out of your skull after reading the previous affront to the laws of meter and rhythm, I have an even greater test of your endurance in store. My compadre David Precht recently threw down the guantlet in an epic rap battle for the ages. I have answered his challenge:

Down the rabbit hole.
Where it stops, I don’t know…
That’s just how I flow.

So you wanna kick it?
Then I guess I’ll just stick it
Where the sun don’t shine
‘Cause my rhymes turn on a dime.

They call me Seximus Prime.
I’m so good it’s a crime,
But I won’t do no time.
Be sippin’ Bacardi and lime
While I shut you up like a mime.

Yeah, I ripped this mic up,
Now it’s time to wrap up,
So I can get crunked up.
And you get to follow up,
But don’t don’t get your hopes up…
You’ll probably just choke up.

Here, the mic’s gonna pass.
Yo, I’m out like Lance Bass.

Post-modernism, thy name is wikipedia!

Eldarius Magnus returns!

It’s taken me a while, but I have at last returned. A lot’s changed since I last updated this thing. I’ve kept writing and kept making appearances at schools and libraries. In the process I’ve got to live out a childhood dream by writing Superman and have inexplicably become a national expert on comics for kids. Life has been good, and I have to admit that it’s getting better all the time.

Updates will be coming several times a week from here on out, so prepare for awesomeness!

And speaking of awesomeness, here’s a cinematic ninja haiku courtesy of www.xtranormal.com.

Ninja Haiku