Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO!

Truth time: I kind of dig Vanilla Ice. Sure, the dude may have stole the baseline for his biggest hit from Queen, starred in one of the most egregiously bad movies of the 90s and the less said about his “hardcore” rock/rap phase the better, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t stop, collaborate and listen anytime I hear “Ice, Ice Baby.” You know all the words, too — don’t deny it.

And, of course, Mr. Rob Van Winkle also gave the world the “Ninja Rap” from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze. That was a watershed musical moment for young Josh Elder, and I’ve spent the better part of two decades crafting my response: “Ninjaz ‘N the Hood” off the Straight Outta Cherry Creek LP. Prepare for Awesomeness! And also sympathetic embarrassment as I once more make a complete fool of myself in a public forum.

Yo gather round and I’ll tell you a story.
It’s got heroes, villains, honor and glory.
It’s ‘bout this ninja from Clan Yoshida…
Cuts through evil like warm Velveeta.
Silent and deadly, like a thief in the night.
Clothed in darkness, he fights for the light.
Old school ninja, he’s a man of action –
Hit you so hard he’ll put your mom in traction.

Mail Order Ninja!
He’s the man in black.
Mail Order Ninja!
Teamed up with T-Mac.
Mail Order Ninja!
Is on the attack.
Mail Order Ninja!
You best watch yo’ back.

Won in a contest, arrived in a crate,
Started kickin’ butt right out the gate.
Took the bullies down a notch or two,
Overthrew the rich girl who ran the school.
But the rich girl swore to bring Jiro down.
Got herself a ninja then took over the town.
The ultimate battle ‘tween two shinobi –
More hardcore than Vader versus Kenobi!

Mail Order Ninja!
He’s the man in black.
Mail Order Ninja!
Teamed up with T-Mac.
Mail Order Ninja!
Is on the attack.
Mail Order Ninja!
You best watch yo’ back.

A dark shadow fell ‘cross the land.
Felicity’s triumph was close at hand.
But the good guys won, and I’ll tell ya why:
Heroes like Jiro, they never say die.

Mail Order Ninja!
Yeah, it’s all good.
Mail Order Ninja!
‘Cause we got Ninjaz ‘N the Hood!

SPECIAL BONUS TRACK!!!

And if your eyeballs haven’t melted out of your skull after reading the previous affront to the laws of meter and rhythm, I have an even greater test of your endurance in store. My compadre David Precht recently threw down the guantlet in an epic rap battle for the ages. I have answered his challenge:

Down the rabbit hole.
Where it stops, I don’t know…
That’s just how I flow.

So you wanna kick it?
Then I guess I’ll just stick it
Where the sun don’t shine
‘Cause my rhymes turn on a dime.

They call me Seximus Prime.
I’m so good it’s a crime,
But I won’t do no time.
Be sippin’ Bacardi and lime
While I shut you up like a mime.

Yeah, I ripped this mic up,
Now it’s time to wrap up,
So I can get crunked up.
And you get to follow up,
But don’t don’t get your hopes up…
You’ll probably just choke up.

Here, the mic’s gonna pass.
Yo, I’m out like Lance Bass.

So I recently updated and revamped my wikipedia page (and no, I didn’t create it, I was just revising the one someone else put up there) and was forced by the gods of online editing to find biographical citations and references lest I have my edits erased by those with better sourced accounts OF MY OWN LIFE.

Post-modernism, thy name is wikipedia!

Eldarius Magnus returns!

It’s taken me a while, but I have at last returned. A lot’s changed since I last updated this thing. I’ve kept writing and kept making appearances at schools and libraries. In the process I’ve got to live out a childhood dream by writing Superman and have inexplicably become a national expert on comics for kids. Life has been good, and I have to admit that it’s getting better all the time.

Updates will be coming several times a week from here on out, so prepare for awesomeness!

And speaking of awesomeness, here’s a cinematic ninja haiku courtesy of www.xtranormal.com.

Ninja Haiku

Things happen for a reason. They may not be our reasons or reasons we can even understand, but the reasons are there. We don’t live in a random and uncaring universe. As Einstein said, “God does not play at dice.”

In my own life, every piece of good fortune that comes my ends up being paired with some kind of traumatic, often near-death experience. Seriously. I wrote Mail Order Ninja while undergoing chemotherapy, I totalled my car the same morning I learned that I won the Rising Stars of Manga contest, and I was nearly burned to death the day after a terrific first date with an ex-girlfriend. I shudder to think of what the future holds for me when my children are born or I finally get to write Superman. I’ll probably end up in an iron lung or something…

I don’t know why this is, but even now the pattern repeats. Something bad has happened (Nothing that requires a hospital visit or anything, so don’t worry), but something good has happened as well. Something completely unexpected and out of the blue, yet very welcome nonetheless.

Life is funny that way.