Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO!

Truth time: I kind of dig Vanilla Ice. Sure, the dude may have stole the baseline for his biggest hit from Queen, starred in one of the most egregiously bad movies of the 90s and the less said about his “hardcore” rock/rap phase the better, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t stop, collaborate and listen anytime I hear “Ice, Ice Baby.” You know all the words, too — don’t deny it.

And, of course, Mr. Rob Van Winkle also gave the world the “Ninja Rap” from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze. That was a watershed musical moment for young Josh Elder, and I’ve spent the better part of two decades crafting my response: “Ninjaz ‘N the Hood” off the Straight Outta Cherry Creek LP. Prepare for Awesomeness! And also sympathetic embarrassment as I once more make a complete fool of myself in a public forum.

Yo gather round and I’ll tell you a story.
It’s got heroes, villains, honor and glory.
It’s ‘bout this ninja from Clan Yoshida…
Cuts through evil like warm Velveeta.
Silent and deadly, like a thief in the night.
Clothed in darkness, he fights for the light.
Old school ninja, he’s a man of action –
Hit you so hard he’ll put your mom in traction.

Mail Order Ninja!
He’s the man in black.
Mail Order Ninja!
Teamed up with T-Mac.
Mail Order Ninja!
Is on the attack.
Mail Order Ninja!
You best watch yo’ back.

Won in a contest, arrived in a crate,
Started kickin’ butt right out the gate.
Took the bullies down a notch or two,
Overthrew the rich girl who ran the school.
But the rich girl swore to bring Jiro down.
Got herself a ninja then took over the town.
The ultimate battle ‘tween two shinobi –
More hardcore than Vader versus Kenobi!

Mail Order Ninja!
He’s the man in black.
Mail Order Ninja!
Teamed up with T-Mac.
Mail Order Ninja!
Is on the attack.
Mail Order Ninja!
You best watch yo’ back.

A dark shadow fell ‘cross the land.
Felicity’s triumph was close at hand.
But the good guys won, and I’ll tell ya why:
Heroes like Jiro, they never say die.

Mail Order Ninja!
Yeah, it’s all good.
Mail Order Ninja!
‘Cause we got Ninjaz ‘N the Hood!

SPECIAL BONUS TRACK!!!

And if your eyeballs haven’t melted out of your skull after reading the previous affront to the laws of meter and rhythm, I have an even greater test of your endurance in store. My compadre David Precht recently threw down the guantlet in an epic rap battle for the ages. I have answered his challenge:

Down the rabbit hole.
Where it stops, I don’t know…
That’s just how I flow.

So you wanna kick it?
Then I guess I’ll just stick it
Where the sun don’t shine
‘Cause my rhymes turn on a dime.

They call me Seximus Prime.
I’m so good it’s a crime,
But I won’t do no time.
Be sippin’ Bacardi and lime
While I shut you up like a mime.

Yeah, I ripped this mic up,
Now it’s time to wrap up,
So I can get crunked up.
And you get to follow up,
But don’t don’t get your hopes up…
You’ll probably just choke up.

Here, the mic’s gonna pass.
Yo, I’m out like Lance Bass.

Eldarius Magnus returns!

It’s taken me a while, but I have at last returned. A lot’s changed since I last updated this thing. I’ve kept writing and kept making appearances at schools and libraries. In the process I’ve got to live out a childhood dream by writing Superman and have inexplicably become a national expert on comics for kids. Life has been good, and I have to admit that it’s getting better all the time.

Updates will be coming several times a week from here on out, so prepare for awesomeness!

And speaking of awesomeness, here’s a cinematic ninja haiku courtesy of www.xtranormal.com.

Ninja Haiku

Come see me and my NU brother-in-arms Russell Lissau as we sign our respective issues of The Batman Strikes at two, count ‘em two, Comix Revolution locations in the Chicagoland area!

On Saturday, August 25, we’ll be signing at the Rev in Evanston from 1-3 pm. That’s 606 Davis St., just a few blocks off the Davis stop on the Purple Line.

Then on Saturday, September 1, we’ll be doing it all over again at their store in the Randhurst Mall in Mt. Prospect.

Hope to see you there!

So I’ve finally caught up with all the sleep I lost at Wizard World Chicago this past weekend. I’ve been a zombie the past few days, but it was well worth it. I got to finally meet Chris Jones, the artist of Batman Strikes, pitch some new stories to the editor of the aforementioned book, meet some old fans and create some new ones, and have an all-around great time hobnobbing amongst my people.

Can’t wait to do it all again next year.

spend some more time with two of my favorite comics people and (I hope) future collaborators Dean Trippe and Stuart Sayger, got to meet Geof Darrow and give him a copy of MON for his daughter, sell a few dozen copies of my books and hang out amongst my people for a little while.

A great time was had by all and I can’t wait to do it again next year.

I’m still coming down off the high from my trip to the San Diego Comicon. I met lots of Internet amigos for the first time, got the greenlight for a truly epic and top-secret DC project, got a bite on my next kid’s GN, and have all the pieces in place to take Mail Order Ninja on a quarterly publication schedule next year.

Oh, and Jackie Chan has read MON and is interested in playing the part of the ninja.

Like I said: Best. Weekend. EVER.

Today I had two great library events. Unfortunately, they were across town from one another. Which meant more than three hours on the CTA. Not a fun time.

But the kids made it all worth it. One group is making their own comics and they’re coming up with crazy ideas and actually learning how to properly execute them. It’s very exciting to watch and almost makes me wish I’d gone into teaching. It really is quite rewarding.

Another group were big fans of the book and had all sorts of book-related questions. Plus they had cookies! And Pad Thai! It was most excellent. I even met a local game designer who just might have some work to throw my way.

Not a bad day, all in all. And I leave you with an early preview image from Mail Order Ninja vol. 3 courtesy of the extremely talented James Peay:

Thanks to the social networking wonder that is MySpace, I recently spoke with the Hungarian translator of Mail Order Ninja which has apparently been selling quite well over there.

I knew the book was going into overseas markets like the UK and Germany, but now I’m rocking out in the Eastern bloc too.

What if I turn into the David Hasselhoff of Hungary? That’d be pretty cool…

Storm Shadow is getting his own series — and Larry Hama is writing it! This is very, very good news. Even a cursory glance at Mail Order Ninja reveals the profound creative influence Hama’s ninja creations had on me.

And now I’ve got a whole new series of ninja adventures I can rip off — I mean, pay homage to…

So I got lost on my way to the Book Fair.  Luckily I had anticipated this and allotted an extra 30 minutes into my travel schedule.  I arrived with about 10 seconds to spare.

The book fair itself went extraordinarily well.  I sold 25 books and got to meet with a ton of kids who had read the first book and couldn’t wait to get started on vol. 2 (Some of them were so enthusiastic that they started reading it right there in the hallway.).  I had a great time and hopefully will get to do it all over again next year.

Now if I could just repeat this performance at every school in the city, I’d really be in business…

Today I pick up my brand new business cards which proudly proclaim that I, Josh Elder, have been “Certified Awesome by the American Awesomeness Association.” Seriously, they say that. I figure I can get away with it because I write humorous kids books, but I think they might come back to bite me when I start shopping around my psychological thriller.

Ah well, what can you do? Anyway, this afternoon I’m off to Evanston to pick up the latest Sunday paper bearing the Mail Order Ninja comic strip and then it’s back to the city for an appearance at the Abraham Lincoln Elementary School book fair. It should be a blast and hopefully I’ll sell quite a few books as well.